House of Pie (Charts)

But to be fair, it *is* frustrating when the other person eats all your crackers.

I've tried to imagine what a gay male equivalent of this pie chart might look like. But all I can come up with is this:

...But then again, maybe I'm just projecting. (As you can see, having a partner who eats my food without asking is quite a turn-off for me.) Open question for the peanut gallery, a.k.a all two of you: what are your "deal breakers" when it comes to a committed relationship?

October 2013

I randomly stumbled back to this blog. I'd almost forgotten about it, to be honest. But then I logged into Blogger to check on something else, and I saw that I had all these page views. At that point, it only made sense to make an update.

If you've visited this blog before, you'll see that I've deleted a lot of the more personal posts. I've grown a lot since I started here four years ago (no pun intended,) and at this point I'm a bit more selective about what I share on the internet. There are also some posts I wrote as an undergrad that definitely "look" like something a 21 year old would write, and I'm a bit embarrassed by them now (which is why they're hidden.) At some point, I might edit those entries and post them in revised form. We'll see. If you've been here before, you'll know that I'm not very good at updating with any semblance of regularity. So I don't want to make any promises I can't keep.

One thing I *am* thinking about is making this into less of a blog that's exclusively focused on muscle growth/body transformation. I would obviously still post pictures and talk about things I like - but right now, I feel like this blog only represents one part of my personality. There are other things (like music and politics for example,) that I wouldn't mind posting about as well. It wouldn't be a diary though -- mostly random thoughts and discoveries that I've had. Does that sound interesting to anyone?

This is getting long, but in any case: hope you're all doing well, and if there are specific things you would be interested in seeing me blog about, feel free to comment (anonymously, if you wish,) and let me know. Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in Canada!

Picture: A poster I saw at New York City Gay Pride, circa 2013.

Satisfied

Back in New York City for a summer teaching job. In many ways, New York is what I need right now. But it's still a struggle: so many good looking, muscular guys.

I haven't purposely gained in several months, and I don't intend to start anytime soon. It took me a long time to realize it, but purposely putting on weight doesn't make me happy. I love the fantasy and I will always be attracted to muscle and bulk, but it isn't what I need right now. I still lift heavy and it would be nice if some more muscle came with it -- but I'm focusing on strength gains, not size.

I'm currently doing a whole bunch of core work - pilates, crunches, and decline sit-ups to flatten out the belly a bit. I've been drinking a lot less than I was in L.A., and I've been cutting carbs and focusing on my cardio. I can see a difference, based on the way my clothes are fitting. And I'm starting to shed some of the "puffiness" that came with the extra water weight. I will never be a Chelsea Boy anytime soon, but I'm trying to find a balance. It's like that old Alcoholics Anonymous adage: one day at a time. Some days are easier than others.

Flashback: Date Night (2007)

"You're very nice," he says. "But it's just...you're very young. It's not you, it's me..." He pauses for a moment before he slips on his sandals to let me out.

"Well, it's not like we're getting married." I smile as I say the last part - I'm hurt, but I don't want him to think he's upset me. Because if I tell him what I really feel he might not invite me back. Maybe he'll never want to talk to me again.

I almost wish he'd never invited me back to his house, and I don't know why I even bothered wasting my time in the first place. He's obviously not been interested in me, but I've kept trying anyway in the hope that I can change his mind. I hate myself for being so needy, but I hate him even more for doing the 'right' thing and being honest with me.

People tell me I'm a friendly person, and I like to think that's the case. "You're very nice, but..." But what? My waist is too big, my sense of style's not good enough. Too young. Too immature. Always the Betty Cooper, never the Veronica Lodge.

We make small talk for a bit and he tells me about a guy he wants to set me up with who "would be perfect for me - and he likes younger guys. Skinnier guys, like you." I've heard that line before, but I don't say anything. On my way out, he gives me a hug and tells me that I'm cute. Like a doll, I think, frustrated with him for being so patronizing. But mostly, I'm frustrated with myself.

In the meantime, it's 2 AM and I don't want him to pick up on these thoughts. I smile and hold out my hand to him. "Friends?" I ask. He shakes my hand. That's all I am, I guess. Just everyone's friend.